We were all parenting experts before we became parents, right? This true and funny motherhood story will leave you validated – and smiling.
“My kids will never do that.”
“I’m never going to be that kind of mom.”
If you’ve ever said these things, you probably don’t have kids, or you said them before you had kids. The childless (see also brand new moms) often have lofty ideas about child-rearing. They are usually wrong and eat their words later.
Here are five “Nevers” that actually came out of my mouth at one point. This is me sheepishly eating my words.
“I will never look like that.”
Motherhood won’t interfere with my fashion choices. I’ll continue to be hip and lipsticked upon exiting my house. I won’t be one of those mothers who drops the kids off at school in pajama bottoms with visible remnants of yesterday’s mascara. My nail polish will never be chipped and yoga pants will be reserved for actual yoga. Those other mothers may see the need for comfortable shoes and the “natural” look. I will never be one of them.
I’ll wait while you finish laughing your butt off.
While I still make a reasonable effort not to look like a hag in public, my bar for everyday cuteness is lower. I usually manage lipstick, although I don’t remember the last time I used a mirror to put it on, so it usually ends up on other parts of me besides my lips. I don’t drop my kids off wearing visible remnants of yesterday’s mascara because chances are, I didn’t bother to put any mascara on yesterday. I’m sure I own mascara, though. Maybe.
And, while not the norm, I did once (and by once, you know I mean more than once but just go with it) drop my kids off in pajama pants and a sweatshirt, with my uncombed hair under a ball cap. My husband’s rain slicker completed the ensemble. It wasn’t raining but it helped hide the fact that I wasn’t wearing a bra.
“My house will never look like that.”
There will be no LEGO minefield running down my hall. Those tiny plastic bricks are so ugly and they just don’t go with my décor…so we’ll have none of those. There won’t be a plastic tub filled with soap scum and headless, naked Barbies in my bathroom. Guests will be comfortable sitting on my couch to enjoy a glass of wine without having to check to make sure they won’t be sitting on what used to be a banana.
Those eyesores of ugly, plastic toys? Toys that make noise or require (gasp) batteries? Not in our Zen living space. We will have vintage wooden playthings that provide the appropriate amount of mental stimulation while contributing to the aesthetically pleasing environment in our home.
Come to my house today and it looks like the plastic toy fairy visited our house and barfed in every room. And while I strive for my living room to be a comfortable and smashed food free place to hang out (still best to check before you sit), your wine will most definitely be served in a plastic cup. It’s just how we roll now.
“My kids will never eat that.”
I’ll never be one of those moms that fixes separate meals for the kids. We’ll sit down together every night as a family for proper meals at a proper table. Ramen noodles? Anything made by Chef Boyardee? Not for this family. My kids will feast on organic grilled chicken strips. Those nasty processed chicken nuggets will never touch their lips, ever. If we introduce them to the “right” foods when they’re little, they’ll grow up learning to appreciate nutrition.
Yes friends, I was on crack. Not really, but I might as well have been. We adopted our son Zack when he was two. I remember those last few days of prepping our clean, orderly house for his arrival. I gazed with smug satisfaction upon my neat kitchen cabinets with Spaghettio-free shelves, thinking “My little darling will learn to love organic, gluten-free pasta with aged Asiago cheese sauce made from cows who were fed only organic grass and probably sung to sleep every night. He’ll have none of that blue box nonsense.”
Last week, we had scrambled eggs and Diet Coke for dinner because someone forgot to go to the store to buy staples (like Spaghettios and Ramen). I won’t say who.5 BOLD predictions I made about #motherhood ! #Funny @JillRobbinsRJAB Click To Tweet
“I will never be the kind of mom who has to resort to use of electronic entertainment to force good behavior in public.”
My children will sit quietly in the grocery cart and won’t need to be pacified by Angry Birds or any gizmo made by Apple to get through a shopping trip. I will teach them to hold the coupons without wrinkling them or getting them out of order. We will be “that family” who can coexist with other restaurant goers and appreciate a fine dining experience at a young age (and by fine dining, I mean a place with table cloths.)
Yeah, not so much. Taking my kids to the grocery store is a last resort, period. If I’m forced to take them into a store with me, there is no couponing going on, period. Don’t ask me how two little boys can turn coupons in to weapons. They just can. We were once “that family” who sat in a nice-ish restaurant next to a child-free couple obviously on date night. They didn’t glance our way once…because our little headphone wearing kids were engrossed in their tablets. Go me.
“I will never, ever, ever, drive a minivan.”
I have my limits when it comes to a mom car. Please. If I decide I need more space in my vehicle, I’ll get a sleek looking SUV. Nothing says, “I’ve given up” like one of those mommy vans. I’m not like one of those regular moms. I’m a cool mom.
Yeah, I might have been a little wrong about that one.
My seats-8 vehicle mom machine with a built-in DVD player and automatic everything is freaking awesome. Although it came as a surprise to me, few things make me happier than automatic doors and having my small humans sit waaaaaaay far away from me. I may have had a moment where I mourned the loss of my coolness, but I’m okay now.
The next time a childless person or a brand-new mom spouts this kind of parenting “wisdom,” just smile and nod. I believe in karma and with that and a little luck, you’ll find just the right zinger of a time to remind them of what they said they’d never do, when you see them doing it.
(This was a wonderful guest post by my friend Jill! I hope you love her writing as much I as do – please follow her for more funny stories about motherhood – she makes you realize that we are all the same. Jill will never make you feel alone in this motherhood journey!)
Jill Robbins is a wife, mother and writer who barely remembers the pre-kid days when she was cool. Actually, she’s pretty sure she was never that cool to begin with and she’s okay with that. Jill has been blogging and freelancing for three years and has just launched her newest parenting and lifestyle website, Mom it Out Loud, Stories from the Motherhood. You can keep up with her on Facebook and Twitter.