I am sitting here at 11:00pm on a “school night”, unable to sleep because of my pregnancy insomnia, various aches and pains – and simply because I have too much on my mind. But it’s OK – everything is as it should be at this point.
We, you and I, are 33 weeks into our mother-son relationship. We are closing in on the final stages of our special time together. It is funny that people’s first reaction to a pregnancy in its last trimester is “I bet you are ready for the baby to come today”. And yes – in some regards I am anxious to hold you, feel your soft skin against mine and smell your ever so innocent new baby smell.
However, feeling you wiggle, hiccup and move around inside the womb is such an incredible blessing. Never again will the two of us be this close, we won’t ever share the same space – you and I live the same life for such a short time. So for now, you are contained inside the safest little sac of love and protection.
I am getting really big and am retaining every single drop of fluid that crosses my path. I look and feel like the Michelin man. My clothes are rather ill-fitting and forget the shoes, it is nearly impossible for me to squeeze the little sausages that once were my toes into any of my shoes – even the ones I bought two sizes too big.
My body aches in ways I cannot recall it has ever done before. Every move, twist or turn is executed with great hesitation, knowing that it will hurt in some way. Getting up from a seated position is torture regardless of how slowly I move – the mere activation of gravity causes a “bowling ball to drop on my bladder” – and yes – you are the bowling ball, my dear Jonah.
I am constantly hungry and feel great guilt for starving you, so I succumb to the feeling and stuff my face with practically anything eatable that crosses my path. Some may theorize that is the reason for the rather expansive size of my belly, and therefore your projected birthweight in the double digits. But let them ponder and theorize all they want… I will eat when you and I are hungry – that is all there is to it.
Let’s not forget my mood, energy level and lack of emotional stability. Speaking of eating – I seem to bite everyone’s head off and I fail miserably at demonstrating patience with anyone other than you, Jonah. I have several “out of body” experiences, where I can rise above a situation and look down upon myself – and I see that I am not behaving properly or pleasantly – BUT… there is nothing I can do to change things. I simply do not have the energy to shape up.
With all that said, after describing all the discomforts and rather lack luster feelings, I have to admit that these days are some of the happiest of my life. I feel blessed and complete. I am excited to share you with the rest of our little family – let them meet you and get to know you too. Right now, I am the only person who knows you and it is already such an honor to be your mama.
There are times when I panic and realize that I have not felt you move in a little while – RIGHT at moment you give me a big solid elbow in my ribs or foot against my belly button – as if to say “mama, don’t worry, I am fine”. I used to always be able to count on your oldest brother Jacob to do the same. I call him my “little buddy”, because from day #1 it felt like he connected with me on a much deeper level than anyone else – and I feel the same connection with you.
So Jonah – it is not because I don’t want to meet you that I am asking you to stay put for another 6 weeks. I am certainly excited to begin healing and feeling better again – but all that can wait another few short months. The only important thing right now is your final development, allowing your lungs to mature and giving you the best chances at a good solid immune system. I long to hold you – but will wait patiently. I will keep my complaints to a minimum and I will cherish these last weeks we have together in our special cocoon.
I will catch a glimpse of your little nose and long fingers next week at our next ultrasound… until then, kick me all you want, poke me with your pointy elbows and knees and continue to be the miracle and blessing that I already know you are!