Welcome to Club Motherhood. You have endured
nine ten months of wonderful pregnancy bliss. You have glowed, expanded and grown a perfect little human being. Said human was recently expelled from your body – so it’s now “go time!” This is it! Motherhood! You are in the thick of it – and there is no turning back!
Your girlfriends helped you through your pregnancy, your doctor watched you ever so closely – especially if you were of “Advanced Maternal Age” (aka older than 35 years old). And then… the end result is a beautiful little darling cherub for you to love and cherish for the rest of your days – but wait…! Your body is now realizing that you are no longer pregnant, you are adjusting to life as a mom and there are A LOT of things happening that no one warned you about. Or maybe they did, but you were so busy glowing and being pregnant that you didn’t quite heed their warnings, because… pregnancy brain.
Please know that whatever you are going through is normal. We, your fellow moms, have been in your stinky stretched out shoes. We have thought the same snarky and sarcastic thoughts! I have collected 22 painfully honest thoughts that all moms have – just to prove that you are not alone!
- How long is it socially acceptable for my to wear these mesh panties?
- We should have the visitors come at night if they really want to see the baby awake!
- Who knew that inflatable donuts could be so comfortable?
- Yes I care that you have “allergies,” please don’t come by to visit until your runny nose has cleared.
- Will my life go in three hours cycles from one feeding until the next until he goes off to college?
- My toddler looks awkwardly large next to the infant.
- Will I EVER stop bleeding/ loosing hair/ craving water?
- Explain this, I just gave birth to a human, placenta and I lost blood and fluid – yet the scale hasn’t moved at all!
- Why does everyone feel the need to share the story of how they walked out of the hospital wearing regular non-maternity street clothes? That factoid will NOT bring you closer to me – on the contrary it gives me a reason to hate you.
- BLEEDING NIPPLES – No one told me about this!
- Belly rhymes with jelly – and from looking at my stomach I totally see the connection!
- I honestly don’t care when your 26 year child first rolled over – we are talking about my little miracle bundle now.
- Did the doctor say “no sex for six weeks or six years?” – I am going to tell my husband it was the latter.
- I am starting my motherhood career high on pain meds, I wonder if they will renew this prescription when the terrible twos hit?!
- I will never drive faster than 3 miles per hour when the baby is in the car.
- Do these people realize that our baby is the most perfect child EVER born?
- Every visitor has been flashed my dark over-sized nipples – a concept I never in a million years thought would happen.
- Wait a minute – all the newborn clothes I gave as gifts over the years were only used ONCE or TWICE before the baby outgrew it?!
- No you cannot hold my baby! He’s mine – ALL MINE!
- What do you mean “what’s for dinner?” – I just spent all day nursing the baby, I have to feed the REST of the kids too?
- What is that smell and where is it coming from? Oh it’s me – “eu de Formented Breastmilk and Baby Poop” – get used to it!
- Do I LOOK like I am getting any sleep/ showers/ uninterrupted meals?
Please share in the “comments” what surprised you the most about motherhood!