Dear Son,
I failed you yesterday! I didn’t see you.
I did not SEE you all day – and now I miss you terribly, probably as much as you miss me.
I am sitting here thinking back on the day that passed , and I realize that I went an entire day without truly seeing my boy.
The morning was hectic, as mornings tend to be. We had synchronized meltdowns by the three youngest, a wardrobe failure due to syrup drippings and two severe cases of separation anxiety.
The school uniforms were laid out the night before. You got up, dressed and ready without needing to be prompted. Your breakfast was prepared and served while I was on auto-pilot. Same breakfast, same routine without any upset. At least I did make sure you were fed and dressed, but I went through the motions with no collision or further interaction.
You are my old soul – without instructions you see the chaos around the house and intuitively you navigate through the morning without standing out of the crowd. But don’t, please don’t ever do that again because now I realize that I didn’t get a chance to connect with you.
I picked you up from school (good thing I remembered that!), but it was raining and the process was rushed – not our usual oasis, our stolen moments to catch up on your adventures in education.
I worked late yesterday, at least later than normal. By the time I got home it was past dinner time, homework was missed and had to be done urgently before bed time. You and your brother quietly went off to bed. I love that you are SO “good,” but please don’t blend in. Raise your hand, cause commotion, throw a fit – do SOMETHING because I went an entire day without really truly seeing you.
I tell you to FOCUS all the time. I desperately beg you to pay attention at school, to mind your teacher and listen to her every word. Yet I did the exact opposite to you yesterday. I went through the day without truly being present in the moment. Admittedly, I did not focus on you.
If something had happened to you, my last memory of you would have been blurry and I would not have known what clothes you were wearing. I know for a fact that I did not comb your hair.
For this, and so much more, I apologize. I failed you for a day and this was quite possibly not the first, but it will be the last! I can’t undo and I won’t get a do-over. Instead I have a chance to prove to you today that I will not let another day slip out from under us.
While your brothers are melting down and having tantrums, I will recognize you for “going with the flow.” I will look at you and I will SEE you – every bit of you. I will notice when your glaze turns inward and you start to internalize a situation. I will pick up on your silent cues and give you a reassuring look, smile or hug – which ever the situation calls for.
I am here for you. I mean, I am truly HERE – present in the moment for you and WITH you.
Your Mama in the Now (in the RIGHT NOW)
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Have you ever felt like you failed one of your children? How did you make it up to them?
I got goosebumps reading this. I completely understand how you feel. There are nights that my boys call downstairs to me to kiss them goodnight and I get caught up in something and next thing you know it’s 9pm and they are fast asleep – and I didn’t get to hug and kiss them, or read to/with them, or anything. I’m going to be more in the “right now” from here on out.
Thank you, Dana. I totally have those nights too – and then I feel so horrible – as if the things that caught my attention were more important… nothing should have been more important. Thankfully we can vow to be better tomorrow.
This is SO easy to do, isn’t it? There are a lot of days when we get to the end of it and I think, ‘Wow, I barely saw my oldest today and even the times we were together, I was busy doing other stuff and didn’t spend any quality time with him.’ Thanks for the reminder!
Some days, having a mom take care of your basic needs (like getting to and from school, getting food in your belly) is enough. It’s more than many children get, sadly. But I know what you mean—I don’t want my memories of my children to be blurry; I want them to be sharp, because I was there, taking the time to look into their eyes and listen to the sound of their voices. Thanks so much for this, Tove.
Thank you! I know we can’t be “on” all the time – but a blurry memory isn’t acceptable! Thanks for making me feel “normal”
This was so sweet and honest – we’ve all been there. Thankful each day is a new day!
Wow. I was trying to decide between having the girls help me clean their school & play room or just taking the afternoon off tomorrow, and after reading this, taking the afternoon off WINS! I’ve been pulling extra hours at the office, and yes there’s a time to clean, but there’s also a time to set cleaning aside and say, “We can catch up tomorrow. Today, the sun is shining and we need each other. Let’s go ride bikes, then lay in the grass and find shapes in the clouds.” Thank you for this post.
Davonne – you are so right! Cleaning needs to be done… but it can also wait!!! We are off for a bike ride in a little bit as well! Thanks for stopping by!
I am guilty of this too some days.
I hear you, Tove. There are moments where I feel like I give the other kids who are misbehaving more attention than the ones who are behaving. I try not to do that and to give equal attention to all of them. You know what though, I bet your little boy didn’t even notice or hold it against you. You’re doing great and I’m sure they appreciate it.
Nina – I try to tell myself not to reward negative behavior with attention… but boy is it hard. Parenting can be so hard – but it’s awesome too! 🙂
I’m afraid of this happening a lot with my son because of the age gap there’s going to be when our 2nd one arrives.