My Promotion!

I am thrilled to announce that I recently accepted a new position, read all about my promotion!

This is the job I applied for:

Executive to Supervise a Team of Micro-Managers

Candidate must possess the following qualifications:

• Excellent conflict negotiation and resolution skills. Prior experience as an FBI hostage negotiator is a plus.
• Great verbal communication in English. “French” is not a requirement, although candidates for similar positions have reported an urge to use the language after particularly intense meetings.
• The ability to organize, arrange and categorize the same objects day in and day out, time and time again.
• Creativity and imagination are must-haves. Expect to entertain the youngest team micro-managers with two popsicle sticks and an assortment of pompoms for an undetermined amount of time.
• Must be proficient in common-core math. (Who are we kidding – no one understands common-core math.) Must be patient and able to count to ten, in 5,000 different ways.
• Time management: The ability to squeeze 36 hours of productivity into 24 hours.
• Energetic, or at a minimum fueled by coffee. The micro-managers have endless energy-sources and they never rest or recharge at the same time. Expect little to no down time.
• Excellent driving record a must, long hours spent transporting micro-managers between education and sports facilities as well as large retail outlets.
• Some (Let’s get real here) A LOT of cooking and cleaning with minimal productive assistance from the micro-managers.

Hours:

• Long Non-stop work hours.
• No vacation days, alone time or sick days.
• All bathroom breaks and meals will be closely supervised by the micromanagers.
• There is one national holiday in your honor, but you are still expected to work.

Compensation:

• Candidate must not be motivated by money.
• There is a limited travel and expense account strictly for the purpose of entertaining the micro-managers. The account is paid in tokens only valid at the local carousel and frozen yogurt establishment.
• Compensation is paid daily in the form of physical affection, including but not limited to bear hugs, pig piles, slobbery kisses and hastily delivered pecks on the cheek.
• Holiday bonus: handmade ornament for the Christmas tree as well as a greeting card with hand prints by the micro-managers.

Dress Code:

• Candidate is expected to wear casual attire, preferably black yoga pants with a certain amount of bodily fluids and food remnants

Length of Contract:

• In perpetuity, a life-long commitment is required.
• The duties may change over time, but expect the next 18 years to include all the above outlined qualifications.

Application Process:

• Please write your cover letter and resume on the back of a Pokemon card, if you wish to get the attention of the hiring micro-managers.
• Interview will take place daily at the nearest Chuck E. Cheese restaurant. The candidate who can get the three year old micro-manager out of the establishment without tears, kicking OR screaming is hired on the spot.

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