I am thrilled to announce that I recently accepted a new position, read all about my promotion!
This is the job I applied for:
Executive to Supervise a Team of Micro-Managers
Candidate must possess the following qualifications:
- Excellent conflict negotiation and resolution skills. Prior experience as an FBI hostage negotiator is a plus.
- Great verbal communication in English. “French” is not a requirement, although candidates for similar positions have reported an urge to use the language after particularly intense meetings.
- The ability to organize, arrange and categorize the same objects day in and day out, time and time again.
- Creativity and imagination are must-haves. Expect to entertain the youngest team micro-managers with two popsicle sticks and an assortment of pompoms for an undetermined amount of time.
Must be proficient in common-core math.(Who are we kidding – no one understands common-core math.) Must be patient and able to count to ten, in 5,000 different ways.
- Time management: The ability to squeeze 36 hours of productivity into 24 hours.
- Energetic, or at a minimum fueled by coffee. The micro-managers have endless energy-sources and they never rest or recharge at the same time. Expect little to no down time.
- Excellent driving record a must, long hours spent transporting micro-managers between education and sports facilities as well as large retail outlets.
Some(Let’s get real here) A LOT of cooking and cleaning with minimal productive assistance from the micro-managers.
LongNon-stop work hours.
- No vacation days, alone time or sick days.
- All bathroom breaks and meals will be closely supervised by the micromanagers.
- There is one national holiday in your honor, but you are still expected to work.
- Candidate must not be motivated by money.
- There is a limited travel and expense account strictly for the purpose of entertaining the micro-managers. The account is paid in tokens only valid at the local carousel and frozen yogurt establishment.
- Compensation is paid daily in the form of physical affection, including but not limited to bear hugs, pig piles, slobbery kisses and hastily delivered pecks on the cheek.
- Holiday bonus: handmade ornament for the Christmas tree as well as a greeting card with hand prints by the micro-managers.
- Candidate is expected to wear casual attire, preferably black yoga pants with a certain amount of bodily fluids and food remnants
Length of Contract:
- In perpetuity, a life-long commitment is required.
- The duties may change over time, but expect the next 18 years to include all the above outlined qualifications.
- Please write your cover letter and resume on the back of a Pokemon card, if you wish to get the attention of the hiring micro-managers.
- Interview will take place daily at the nearest Chuck E. Cheese restaurant. The candidate who can get the three year old micro-manager out of the establishment without tears, kicking OR screaming is hired on the spot.
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The workplace is a great source of humor for me, so don’t miss these other funny posts!