Dear Woman in a Toxic Relationship,
I see you! Not in a creepy, stalker way, no you have enough of that going on in your everyday life.
But I SEE you – the woman behind the sad eyes, the unkempt hair, the mismatched clothes and the body language that screams “please let me blend in. I don’t want to stick out. I don’t want to offend him. I don’t want him mad at me – again.”
I see YOU – the strong woman who has been beaten down by words, hands or worse. The woman who’s confidence has been minimized with every bottle he finished, every line he did, every pill he popped, every dollar he wasted.
The days seem like an eternity and the sleepless nights are twice as long. You dream of peace, calm and silence. You wish for tranquility in your home, your life, in your mind. Instead, there is constant noise – CONSTANT. When he is done yelling at you, his words echo in your mind.
You recall putdowns from weeks ago, insults from last year, and his constant criticism has become your internal voice. There is no escaping his ever-present negativity.
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Friends & Family!
The friends you thought you had, have long since left. They ran for the door when they realized their advice was falling on deaf ears. They offered their help and support, but you couldn’t take it, at least not then. Accepting help would be admitting defeat, giving up on the man you convinced yourself you love.
Grabbing their hand would be like cutting his off – and you would never want to hurt him, right? Isn’t that what he has trained you to think?
He told you over and over that “those friends of yours are trying to get between us. They don’t want what is best for you. I do!” – Those were his words, right? Those ARE his words – day in and day out – slowly putting a wedge between you, your friends and your family.
I know your inner-struggle. I do. I lived it – a few times. I too thought that it was love. I thought he would get better with time. I thought it was my fault – things were always my fault. If I could only change this or that about myself, then he would love me more. If I was more the way he wanted me to be, maybe he would be less addicted, less hurtful, less violent – less toxic.
Those friends weren’t good for me anyway and family – HA! Who needs family when you have a man in your life? His mind games worked on me – and you… but only for so long.
Guess what… He is wrong! Everything about him is wrong. His words, his actions, his addiction, his abuse – wrong, wrong, wrong and wrong. Once you realize it, like TRULY see him for the sad pathetic soul that he is, you will no longer want to save him. Your only objective is to save yourself.
Running for the hills may seem impossible. I get it, I know. But his mental beat-down of you didn’t happen overnight, it was him slowly chiseling away at your spirit, at your core. Leaving him, finding yourself and your strength won’t happen overnight either, but that doesn’t mean it can’t happen at all.
Breaking free, seeking tranquility in your life is worth working towards, and that is exactly what you must do. His addiction is HIS problem and something he needs to work on – which he won’t. Your freedom is YOURS and something only you can work towards. You can recruit help “from the outside” – but the first (and the hardest) steps have to be yours – and only yours. No one can walk FOR you.
Little by Little!
Once you find your foothold and you slowly put one foot in front of the other, you will start to notice things falling into place. Life doesn’t have to be an uphill battle. It is not YOU against the world, as he has tried to tell you since day one. Once you are on the right path, things will work out for you – little by little.
Start saving your cash, even if it just a few dollars or your spare change. Start building a nest egg. Every dollar you stash away is a dollar closer to getting your own place, a bus ticket or whatever will get you away from his toxic mental and emotional prison.
Dear woman – I DO see you because you are worth seeing. You are so much more than you think right now, but soon… soon you will be able to look in the mirror and see what I see. Beyond your disheveled look, I see strength, beauty and resilience. You will see it too – soon – and then you won’t stop seeing it – ever again.
Love and support from someone who has been there and done that – TWICE!
This letter was written to all the women who have contacted me after reading “The Night I Saved the Girl With the Steel Blue Eyes!” – that’s quite a few women, and the number grows weekly.