Dear Woman in a Toxic Relationship,
I see you! Not in a creepy, stalker way, no you have enough of that going on in your everyday life.
But I SEE you – the woman behind the sad eyes, the unkempt hair, the mismatched clothes and the body language that screams “please let me blend in. I don’t want to stick out. I don’t want to offend him. I don’t want him mad at me – again.”
I see YOU – the strong woman who has been beaten down by words, hands or worse. The woman who’s confidence has been minimized with every bottle he finished, every line he did, every pill he popped, every dollar he wasted.
The days seem like an eternity and the sleepless nights are twice as long. You dream of peace, calm and silence. You wish for tranquility in your home, your life, in your mind. Instead, there is constant noise – CONSTANT. When he is done yelling at you, his words echo in your mind.
You recall putdowns from weeks ago, insults from last year, and his constant criticism has become your internal voice. There is no escaping his ever-present negativity.
[bctt tweet=”Help someone get out of a toxic #relationship, share this empowering #letter. #EndAbuse” username=”MamaintheNow”]
Friends & Family!
The friends you thought you had, have long since left. They ran for the door when they realized their advice was falling on deaf ears. They offered their help and support, but you couldn’t take it, at least not then. Accepting help would be admitting defeat, giving up on the man you convinced yourself you love.
Grabbing their hand would be like cutting his off – and you would never want to hurt him, right? Isn’t that what he has trained you to think?
He told you over and over that “those friends of yours are trying to get between us. They don’t want what is best for you. I do!” – Those were his words, right? Those ARE his words – day in and day out – slowly putting a wedge between you, your friends and your family.
I know your inner-struggle. I do. I lived it – a few times. I too thought that it was love. I thought he would get better with time. I thought it was my fault – things were always my fault. If I could only change this or that about myself, then he would love me more. If I was more the way he wanted me to be, maybe he would be less addicted, less hurtful, less violent – less toxic.
Those friends weren’t good for me anyway and family – HA! Who needs family when you have a man in your life? His mind games worked on me – and you… but only for so long.
Save Yourself!
Guess what… He is wrong! Everything about him is wrong. His words, his actions, his addiction, his abuse – wrong, wrong, wrong and wrong. Once you realize it, like TRULY see him for the sad pathetic soul that he is, you will no longer want to save him. Your only objective is to save yourself.
Running for the hills may seem impossible. I get it, I know. But his mental beat-down of you didn’t happen overnight, it was him slowly chiseling away at your spirit, at your core. Leaving him, finding yourself and your strength won’t happen overnight either, but that doesn’t mean it can’t happen at all.
Breaking free, seeking tranquility in your life is worth working towards, and that is exactly what you must do. His addiction is HIS problem and something he needs to work on – which he won’t. Your freedom is YOURS and something only you can work towards. You can recruit help “from the outside” – but the first (and the hardest) steps have to be yours – and only yours. No one can walk FOR you.
Little by Little!
Once you find your foothold and you slowly put one foot in front of the other, you will start to notice things falling into place. Life doesn’t have to be an uphill battle. It is not YOU against the world, as he has tried to tell you since day one. Once you are on the right path, things will work out for you – little by little.
Start saving your cash, even if it just a few dollars or your spare change. Start building a nest egg. Every dollar you stash away is a dollar closer to getting your own place, a bus ticket or whatever will get you away from his toxic mental and emotional prison.
Dear woman – I DO see you because you are worth seeing. You are so much more than you think right now, but soon… soon you will be able to look in the mirror and see what I see. Beyond your disheveled look, I see strength, beauty and resilience. You will see it too – soon – and then you won’t stop seeing it – ever again.
Love and support from someone who has been there and done that – TWICE!
This letter was written to all the women who have contacted me after reading “The Night I Saved the Girl With the Steel Blue Eyes!” – that’s quite a few women, and the number grows weekly.
Thank for your letter. It spoke loud to my spirit. As I am a woman who preparing to leave for her 5th and final time. It been a journey. And I had to grew up on my own, never really had the family support just from a distance. I feel like a fool for when I return back to him, and feel sad when I make the move to leave. I have to run away like a thief in the night. If I asked him for a divorce or breakup, its silly to him as we get right back together. It been a while since he have put his hands on me, but I know it just a honeymoon phase. He made promise that he changed, and never will do it again, but after 10 years of hearing a line like that you don’t hang on to hope.
So I find a transitional housing that is 3 hours away. And I should leave at the end of the year. I am planning it out. I hope I will find the courage to make that move, because you can doubt your plan (because he been very charming and husband like now). But I keep reminding myself, I will regret not leaving when I could.
I learned that I am not cruel or selfish for leaving him. That I have not hatred against him, just want to be in peace and wish him the best. I pray that my kids be happy and can see the truth in what I did. And healing for all. An (and) Anyone who knows the struggle of violence.
Oh Keshia, I wish you the best of luck in the coming months. I think it’s very smart to plan ahead, this way you also give yourself time to be comfortable with your decision – so you can stick with it. GOOD LUCK! Stay strong!
Oh girl I love that you are so passionate about helping others. I know this post will resonate with so many, and I am so happy to watch and support you on your journey!
Thank you….. thank you thank you. It’s not enough to say thank you or to tell you how this article came out of nowhere and your words were directly to me. But I needed to hear it. More than I can explain. The thought and care put into writing this and posting it for any woman in the world to see and hoping it finds them when they need it, is the kindest thing you could have done. I appreciate it more than you know. So, thank you, will have to do.
I am SO glad that this post was relatable to you. As a writer, your words were the highest compliment I could ever receive. I wish you strength…
That’s was the most beautifully written letter though tears falling into puddles & my chest feeling so tight each breath feels like work It gave me a few minutes of sanity in this chaos , I hear about these women who have raised up from horrific conditions abuse and make a divine life I myself have raised above so many times how always bouncing back I let him steal my last bounce this past year or so I thought or think some days But when I stop trying to make sense of something that just doesn’t and read something inspiring it gives me a flicker of light I’m not ok at all I just know some how I have to get my Everything back & your letter said it best little by little no matter what, I only wonder how can I detach while living with him i look at it logically and think I shld be able to do this but those days when I crash from trying hold it together & my soul feels exhausted & I waste the day & I don’t have that day to waste Ive only started to realize maybe it’s not just me being a total defect )this & I still can’t over the past 6/8 months convince myself he’s really “that person “ maybe he’s not but I do know that I am allowed to be a happy adult this isn’t life and we are toxic no matter how hard better or more I can be do or say , I can’t help but question my every thought & need to find something someone outside who can share a bit of Guidence or just to speak to w/o feeling dumb or crazy . I really appreciated reading this & I thank you & all the women out there who share for so many many reasons.
You sound a lot like I did a couple months ago. I went away for a couple weeks and it really helped me SEE it ISN’T ME. I AM WORTH IT!! On my way back to what was suppose to be MY home but the monster had moved in and taken over a blessing was offered to me and my kids. I still had to put up with him for 2 more months but I DID IT!! I have been gone for a week so far. It has been hard because I just keep remembering the good times. But then I think of all the distruction to me….my house and my kids. You can do it!! Get out before it gets worse…