Some stories happen and instantly beg to be written, others need to mature and then one day they are ready to be presented to the world. I have held this story in my heart for six years, it has pulled me through the most terrifying times of my life. This account was my “snuggle buddy”, “security blanket” and my anchor when I felt that I was capsized in the deepest and darkest oceans of motherhood.
The Ledge
A mother’s biggest fear is losing her child! Six years ago I faced that fear! I stood at the ledge, looked down into the abyss and felt the sinking feeling in my heart and the emptiness in my arms – wondering if I would ever see light or happiness again. Just as I started to feel a force drag me down – I was suddenly surrounded by warmth and comfort. This reassuring feeling never left me since then – even during the worst days of our lives.
[bctt tweet=”This story was my anchor when I was capsized in the deepest and darkest oceans of #motherhood”]
The Arrangements
Our son was 12 days old and SICK! I mean REALLY sick. The doctors didn’t know exactly what was wrong with him. They only knew that he had to be airlifted to a university hospital for further treatment – it was his only chance of survival. To say we were scared, sad, defeated and feeling hopeless is a grave understatement. Our baby had already spent 10 of his 12 days alive in a PICU, so I was no stranger to hospitals, beeping alarms and urgent footsteps. Someone walked by our room and mentioned “making arrangements”. They meant arranging for a helicopter to bring us down south to the better hospital, but when you are standing over your intubated infant in a baby warmer, those are NOT the “arrangements” that come to mind.
I immediately started to cry. What “arrangements” would we make for him? He was only 12 days old and he never had a chance to have a favorite song, color or be partial to much of anything. I knew he was comforted by nursing and listening to my voice, but other than that his preferences were still unknown – so how would we “make arrangements” fit for him? He had barely had a chance to wear any of his cute baby clothes, so which outfit would I pick? What about a song? I thought of “Amazing Grace”, everyone loves that song – it was my dad’s favorite and he had passed away just a short six months earlier. My stream of consciousness was physically painful. My thoughts were dark and suffocating.
I stood over our sweet little baby and I started to hum “Amazing Grace” – I couldn’t sing because I was choking back tears – thick defeated and heartbroken tears. I watched our baby – hummed the tune that brought me such comfort, hoping it was easing his stress as well… when all of a sudden – warmth, comfort and peace came over me.
The Vision
As I watched Jordan in the warmer, a “vision” filled my mind, my heart, my soul – it felt as if God pasted an image on an overhead projector in front of me. He was sending me a signal, loud and clear – he did not want me to miss this message! It was like the bat signal lighting up the nighttime sky. Right there before me was the image of a little boy with blonde bouncing curly hair. He was running on a grassy field, like the ones we have all over our neighborhood. He was happy (and healthy). He looked back over his shoulder at me, laughing and playfully keeping a distance between us. The vision stayed with me for what seemed like an eternity – it may only have been a flash, or perhaps it was minutes or hours. I really don’t know how long I watched the happy little boy, but it was the exactly the right amount of time to mend my broken heart, calm my frazzled nerves and bring peace to my soul.
From that point forward, I knew that our little baby would be OK – he would be a medical miracle, he would “show them” and forever be my hero. The only “arrangements” this boy needed were plans for a beautiful life – celebrating each and every minute, hour, and day – every moment!
Our Future
The next 7 weeks were not without drama, scary moments and close calls – they were every bit as frightening as his first 12 days had been, often even more. But… when doubt and fear entered my mind, I would retrieve the vision of the running boy and cling onto it with all my might. Some days it would magically appear on its own, other days I had to dig deep and retrieve it from my memory bank… but it pulled me through our scariest of times – and talk about “pulling through”… our little spirited fighter did turn out to be blonde with curly hair – something I would have never known looking at him when he was 12 days old. But my heart knew it – and my soul had seen it. I thank God for giving me the comfort and reassurance I needed as I sat bedside cheering on our little fighter.
God knows the future, and he showed it to me that day. Our future is everything a happy blonde curly-haired little boy embodies. It is good!
(The boy with the red balloon IS our little miracle – but after a hair cut… LICE forced me to cut his curly locks!)
Some experiences mold you into the person you are today. I have written a few more articles related to this – they are empowering and will push you to “live in the now”:
“The Words that Changed Everything”, “Letter to the Mom Sitting Across from Me!” and “Oasis!”
I felt inspired to share my story after I read “The Day God Spoke to Me” by Mommy in Sports. She shared from the heart – beautifully.
Do you have a “defining moment” in your life?
Such a powerful story – I think we have all had our visions. So glad he is still with you happy and healthy!
At first, my eyes were swelling with tears in reading this. Then I read about the “bat signal” you received, and the way you wrote those lines, as a reader I saw the little boy too. So happy your God gave you the blessing of a blonde curly haired little boy, and the vision to see him in a dark time.
I am glad you saw the Batsignal too! 🙂
You certainly brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing this so beautifully and poignantly!
What a beautiful story of God’s grace and sovereignty. He is good and He does love us. Thank you for sharing your experience and empowering other mommies. I look forward to reading more encouraging posts from you!
Wow, beautifully written and a tear jerker. Loved the ending.
I love hearing your heart! Thanks for sharing.
I know those moments all to well, the ones where you can’t sing through tears so you just hum and cry. Reading about your Amazing Grace moment and the thought of making arrangements brought me to tears, for sure. You have such beautiful little blessings in your life, Tove. Thanks for sharing this story.
Thank you, Josie – life IS full of little blessings for sure! – even if they drive us nuts at times!
Oh what a POWERFUL story!!! It just gives me chills, to know how personal our God is- and He gave you that vision, that hope, that prophetic moment to hold on to through it all. What I think about is how you will be able to share that story with your precious miracle-boy over and over again… for him to know how deeply God loves him!! He had a plan… He has a plan!!
Such an experience inspires me to celebrate God’s beautiful ways He blesses us…
Lice- ugh. Not, FUN!
Chris – thank you for finding me! Yes – this was truly the most powerful experience I have ever had – I can vividly recall every detail of that moment and I know in my heart it was God’s plan to ease my mind by showing me a glimpse of Jordan’s future. I appreciate your kind words!
Very powerful. Its weird that when we are in the most trying times we seek out our God. I am there right now. I just lost my 20 year old son to suicide and cant get over the why. I know in my heart I need to seek my God and attempt to find comfort there. its all so confusing to me right now.