I yelled tonight! If you had seen me out in public you would have stared and thought to yourself “I am SUCH a better mom than her” – and truth be told – today ANYONE would have been a better mom than me!
I came home from work in a foul mood. My children of course knew that things had not gone well for me during the day, so they had agreed to argue, fight, whine and otherwise get on my very last nerve. There was homework to be done, dirty socks and stinky little boy underwear to be picked up. The LEGOs on the floor had multiplied at a faster rate than a family of horny rats. Dinner didn’t make itself and after spending 45 minutes on creating a culinary delight of sorts all three kids decided that chicken is gross and mashed potatoes are poisonous.
Tonight was not my night. As I was rushing home to my family, all I could think of was feeling the sweetness of my children’s loving arms around me as I entered the door. I could hear them chant “mama, mama, mama” – not in an annoying “mama I need something” way, but more a “mama, you are home and we love you” way. I had visions of a house that was picked up, chores that had been done and second grade reading assignments that had been completed.
But no – that’s not what greeted me at the door… on the contrary. The perpetually smiling baby was asleep, the short-fused toddler hadn’t napped. The worn out kindergartener had a meltdown when asked to write a page of sight words, and the second grader was upset that he had to read 30 minutes instead of 20 minutes.
I am not sure how we made it through the evening. I know my husband was there, running interference between me and the kids. He fetched milk for the melting toddler when I had enough of his whining. He wrangled the older kids and guided them off to bed, so I could go cuddle with the babies, which he knew would calm my grumpiness, center my soul and ease my frazzled mind – and he was right.
The baby’s babble was sweet music – and it eventually pushed out the corporate noise that was playing on “repeat” in my head. The toddler gave me the smile he reserves for me and special occasions. His heartfelt “mama, I miss wu when wu are at work” melted the stern look in my eyes and eased the tension on my wrinkled brow.
But it still doesn’t take away from the fact that tonight I yelled – I was grumpy and I was less than perfect! I guess all I can say is tonight I was “REAL!”
I hope I continue feeling real, raw and authentic emotions – but maybe dialed down just a tad. As negativity breeds negativity, I pray that positivity multiplies at the same rate as the aforementioned rat family! Here’s to living in the now – even when it’s less than Pinterest-worthy!
What a beautiful post Tove!! We all do this and if I was labeled a failure every time I yelled I’d be packing my bags. Prayers and hugs and I hope today is better!
Ha ha ha – thank you Misty! I just had a moment afterwards where I pictured myself on a Dr. Phil show where he had video taped my yelling – that’s never a pretty thought.
Wow, this was such a beautiful glimpse into your life, or really, the life of many working moms. I can only imagine how hard it is to switch gears so completely and to push out the corporate noise when it just won’t quit inside your head.
You are a great mom!!!
Thank you! It can be really hard to leave it at the door, but it’s a conscious effort I make every day. Some days it works – this particular day it didn’t!
Oh Tove, I can certainly relate. It’s so reactive, yelling. I can feel myself bubbling up and out it comes, nevermind the remorse that immediately follows. What has helped me was to find the trigger points. When I can identify the trigger I can tell myself, There it is, time to keep your cool. Also I tell myself that it’s not too late to change. Sometimes when the evening has gone on terribly you just think the next best thing is to wait for it to be over, but there actually is still room for it to change, and we don’t have to keep being grumpy until the day is over.
Nina – you are so right – we don’t have to wait for tomorrow to improve or change. It can happen now. I am just going through a really stressful time at work. But hopefully it will all settle down soon. It’s so easy to forget how young the kids are and how we would feel as kids if our parents yelled at us… I would have been crushed as a little kid.
Thanks for sharing what makes life so real. Thankfully we get to start over each and every morning. And the line about legos multiplying faster than horny rats? I literally almost snorted wine out of my nose. Here’s to a very happy Friday and weekend!
Amanda
http://www.queenofthelandoftwigsnberries.com
– and I am glad you had time for a glass of wine… THAT is sometimes the best part of the day! 🙂 Thanks for stopping by!
Very brave of you to tell that story. When I was a young mom I had gotten into the habit of yelling at my children. Now, of course, I didn’t realize this. I knew I was having a harder time with them, but I didn’t see myself as a yelled. My mother pulled me to the side and said that she didn’t want to make me mad but she noticed I was yelling at the kids and it wasn’t like me. She shared with me some of her experience when she was a young mom and had a hard time. It’s just good for all of us mom’s to stop feeling like we have to put up this front that things are perfect because we ate afraid that people will just think we are bad parents. We have to have the courage and trust each other to open up and admit we all make mistakes. It really helps to know you are not the only mom who has ever yelled at their children. Brava to you for bringing up this subject and being so REAL. God bless you and continued success to you <3
Thank you for such kind words. You are right – it’s not easy to open up about… but necessary!
I have these moments more often than I like to admit. And then I instantly feel bad because their little voices remind me exactly how lucky I am.
Thanks for validating me – I know yelling is common among moms, but we just never talk about it! THANK YOU!
I had that this morning..loading up my 3 year old in the car when she was throwing everything out of the car, her toys, her shoes, socks, and I yelled, just then my neighbor got out of their door to leave for work and I am sure he thought what a bad mum I was….and i felt so guilty not just cause he saw but cause I had yelled at my child …which had soon turned into a cuddle and a kiss as soon as i dropped her off to playgroup. So innocent,…oh well all i can say lucky to hear those little voices and have those little arms around my neck.
I SO get it… yesterday I raised my voice too – right as the neighbors came outside… ugh – perfect timing. I hope your day gets better.