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How to find happiness when life knocks you down

I haven’t written without an agenda in a while. I haven’t grabbed the laptop and let my fingers dance across the keyboard without a deadline looming over my head. Today, however is the day for me to come clean and share some personal things I haven’t been ready to share until now.

Without pulling any punches, simply put: 2017 was a shit-tastic year. At times, I had to look REALLY hard to find my happiness. 

It was a kick-in-the-teeth, punch-in-your-gut kinda year for us. Everywhere I looked were lemons and I tried my hardest not to get hit by every single one – but I failed. There seemed to be no end in sight to the onslaught of trials coming our way. I finally named 2017 “the great shit storm.” (For the sake of not using too much foul language, going forward, I will refer to said “great shit storm” as “GSS.”)

In 2017, I hesitated to reach out to my friends with the latest from our family; I was embarrassed not to have better news. For a while, we were “those friends.” You know, the ones who don’t seem to be able to catch a break. The friends who are constantly hit upside the head with one life altering piece of news after another… yup, that was us.

I am not sure WHEN the “GSS” of 2017 started, and I don’t know if all the remnants were left behind when we kissed the year goodbye.

Here we are in 2018, still dealing with the aftermath of the “GSS”…

When life knocks you down:

However, it’s now the beginning of January. We have been granted a clean slate, a new chapter in this great journey we call “life” and all the newness and the possibilities give me a sense of hope and clarity.

There’s a good reason why I am writing today. I don’t want sympathy, I don’t need a pity party, but I want to show you that even during some of the most trying times, it IS possible to smile, be there for your friends and family and to live in the now.

Some of the things we dealt with in 2017 were losing close friends and family members, good people who passed too soon and left a big void in our hearts.

We lost opportunities and friendships due to the simple fact that there is “no love lost in business.”

Somewhere in the midst of everything, was also the threat of a direct hit by a category 5 hurricane, which at the last minute ended up going to the other coast of Florida.

We had numerous health scares and cancer diagnoses of close friends and family members, many of these will continue to impact our lives well into 2018 – and beyond.

While every family deals with their fair share of ups and downs, for a while, it felt like there was a black cloud permanently parked over our house.

Black cloud or not, I couldn’t let LIFE keep me down. First and foremost, I am the mother of four boys and they STILL needed clean underwear, peanut butter sandwiches in their lunch boxes and a goodnight kiss at bed time.

The kids knew of some of the things going on and their lives were somewhat directly impacted, however, they also needed help tying shoes, dealing with bullies, practicing multiplication tables and remembering to change their underwear. (Yes, in a house full of four boys, underwear is a huge topic of discussion.)

The messages that changed my perspective:

One morning, when we were in the thick of our “GSS”, I received a text message from a dear friend. This particular friend was dealing with a recent cancer diagnosis herself, serious health concerns with her kids and a few other keep-you-up-at-night worries.

Her message to me was simple. She said “How are you? I am worried about you!”

I did a double-take. Wait, what? This woman was dealing with so many worries herself, the last thing she needed to exert energy on was worrying about me. I told her (truthfully) that I was fine and reminded her to take care of herself, first and foremost.

She wrote back: “I am not worried about me. It is what it is.”

Profound! Really! Her perspective changed me.

Later that week, I texted with another friend of mine, also a cancer survivor. This woman had dealt with serious health concerns the past several years and through it all, she managed to share a message of happiness across our community. She united women in our area through her trials and in her pursuit of happiness.

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During our text message exchange, I asked how she was doing. Her reply to me was “It is what it is.”

“It is what it is” – there it was again. Was there something these two optimistic and strong fighters knew that I didn’t?! Was THAT their secret? A casual, shoulder-shrugging “it is what it is”?!

Five of the simplest words in the English language: “it is what it is!” Even my kindergartener, who only reads sight words, can read the sentence, although he would have no way of knowing what a powerful combination of words it is.

It was then, after the universe sent me the same message through two of my strongest friends, I changed my perspective on the “GSS” – and it was liberating.

Instead of throwing myself pity party after pity party, engaging in a negative thinking pattern, worrying and eventually deteriorating my own health, I consciously changed my perspective on “GSS”.

Yes, the things that were happening in our lives still sucked and they continued to knock the wind out of my sails. However, instead of dwelling on the sadness, feeling sorry for us, and trying to control things that were WAY out of my control… I started to roll with things.

How to find happiness in the midst of a shit storm: 

• Acknowledge the bad news.
  • Take it in, allow yourself a set period of time to “grieve” and be upset.
  • Personally, I have 24 hours to feel sorry for myself and then the pity party expires.
• Take control of the things you can control.
  • There’s nothing more empowering than taking control of a situation that otherwise makes you feel completely powerless.
    • If it’s a health related issue: schedule all your doctors appointments, join support groups, learn about your diagnosis and possible treatments.
    • Improving your diet and exercise routine is another great way to “take control” and feel that you are anything BUT powerless.
• Surround yourself with realistic and optimistic people.
  • Not the fake happy ones, but the people who have been through life and somehow still manage to be there for others.
• Rid yourself of negative friends, discard toxic relationships and move forward without looking back.
  • By “negative friends” I don’t mean the ones who are truly going through trials, but the ones who create their own misery… you can spot them a mile away!
• Do something for others every day.
  • It doesn’t have to be a big extravagant gesture, but a well-timed text when you know your friend has a doctor’s appointment tends to warm the heart.
• Give yourself a special treat every day.
  • Again, it doesn’t have to cost money, but 30 minutes spent going for a walk along the beach or doing a gentle yoga routine are some of the greatest gifts you can give yourself.
  • Remember, self-care is not selfish. You will not get a medal for neglecting your own health for the sake of being a caregiver to someone else.
• Accept help!
  • Personally, this is a tough one for me. I want to be the giver, the supporter and the caring friend. When people offer to watch the kids, cook a meal or pick up groceries, I feel I have failed, some how… or at least that how I used to feel.
  • I have since learned to accept help with open arms and it feels good.
• Live in the now!
  • When we are faced with a life altering health concerns, we tend to worry so much about the future that we forget to live in the now.
  • If you have done all of the above, then you have done everything in your control and in your power. Now is the time to tell yourself “it is what it is” and then be present in the moment. 

Over the past several weeks/ months, I have been able to face the “GSS” with a smile and an attitude of “Bring it on, life! Watch me laugh in the face of adversity and say “it is what it is!””

It was not an easy journey to get to this place. Changing my perspective on 2017 allowed me to still smile even though I felt sad, scared and overwhelmed. Instead of feeling powerless in the shit storm, I now feel powerful when I tackle the tasks at hand, knowing I have done everything possible – and the rest… well, it is what it is.

How do you cope with life’s shit storms?

P.S. I am scheduled to have a total thyroidectomy (removal of the entire thyroid) on January 23, 2018. Please pray that the surgery closes one of the many chapters in the great shit storm, once and for all.

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