Being a mom is awesome! As a collective group we have carte blanche to say and do things that no other person in their right mind could possibly get away with. Moms have complete creative freedom and therefore end up saying the darndest things.
Our uniform consists of “mom jeans”, yoga pants and granny panties (not necessarily at the same time – because no one wants to see panty lines in yoga pants – no one!). We kiss hurt body parts and boo-boos – and magically make everything “all better”. We can clean an entire chocolate covered child with our own spit-soaked fingers, – and then proceed to style their hair with now chocolate-stained-spit-soaked fingers. We know when our kids are up to no good – even before they decide to do something bad. Our ears are tuned into our baby’s cry for miles and across several counties. Not to mention that we grow human life inside of an ever-expanding belly, and then feed said human with our milk-producing breasts… all in all – mothers are in a league of their own.
Clearly a group of individuals with such superpowers must also speak a language of their own. There is no holds barred on our conversations, no bodily function is off limits, and no topic is taboo. Below is an excerpt of actual text messages in my phone, from conversations with several of my mommy friends. These sentences are taken out of context, but with that being said, there is no context that could possibly justify these messages. These soundbites are in random order and from unrelated conversations:
- Did he poop yet?
- I gave him Tylenol, so I should have four hours before the school calls.
- I just found puke on my sleeve.
- I’m “nursing” a sleeping baby – because the kids are melting down in the next room. Dad’s got them!
- The baby has really stinky gas.
- My boobs are like deflated balloons and my uterus like a worn out pair of pantyhose.
- What’s the dress code? I will wear my black yoga pants if I need to look nice.
- My biggest pet peeve is listening to animals lick themselves.
- I think I smell like breast milk today.
- I am not fat – it’s a hernia. No really – it is a hernia.
- He’s whining so I will just shove a boob in his face – works like a charm. Yes – I am talking about the baby…
- They pulled their pants down and wouldn’t pull them back up.
- I have snot on my pants.
- I wear spit-up on my shoulder like a medal of honor.
- He hasn’t pooped in like 4 days and he smells like an old dog.
- The prunes worked!!!
What is the strangest text message in your phone right now?