Talk to your kids about bullying:
School is back in session. Old friendships will be rekindled, new ones formed. Most kids return to school with a healthy mix of excitement and hesitation. Parents everywhere share those same emotions. What will the new year bring? What triumphs? What trials? Hopefully more of the former than the latter.
Prepare for the new year with these ten things to tell your kids about bullying and know what to do if your child is bullied.
(This post was originally published August 2014, but updated March 2019 for accuracy and additional information.)
Unfortunately for some children (and their parents), a new school year is the cause of anxiety and worry.
Will this year be a continuation of the last?
When will the bullying begin?
Will it be addressed and stop, or ignored and escalate?
Bullying is real, it is scary and it is dangerous!
Parents, what should you do if your child is bullied?
These tips are from parents who (unfortunately) have been through bullying on more than one occasion.
As a parent there is nothing I want more than to protect my kids from the hurtful and damaging effects of bullying.
It is my sincere hope that not only will my kids not bully, but they will also know how to act and react if they witness any type of bullying behavior.
I have had an open dialog with my kids about bullying, and I will continue this line of communication throughout the year.
Parents, what should you do if your child is bullied?
These tips are from parents who (unfortunately) have been through bullying on more than one occasion.
Ten things to tell your kids about bullying:
- Bullying has no age limit. You may encounter harassment at any age, so learn sooner rather than later how to act and react.
- Being a bystander/ witness does not exempt you from the responsibility of taking action. It is not alright for you to “enjoy your ringside seats” to a fight.
- Report the behavior to an adult or an authority – and then walk away. Do not linger to watch the action unfold.
- The old saying “sticks and stones can break my bones, but words cannot hurt me” really does hold true. Your feelings may certainly be hurt by words, but they are “just that” – words… never lose sight of that.
- Don’t be friends with bullies. They don’t make you cool – ever.
- Once a bully, always a bully. There are enough other people to be friends with. Make an effort to be nice to the victims of bullying – they are the ones who could use a friend.
- If you encounter bullying online: report, delete and block. Report the post to an adult and to the social media company, delete the message, and block the user from being able to contact you in the future.
- If you experience bullying in person: report, remove and disengage. Report the behavior to an adult/ an authority, remove yourself from the situation and disengage from the bully.
- “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer” does NOT apply to bullies. Keep them far away from you.
- Bullying is not a reflection of the victim’s character, but rather a clear sign of the bully’s lack of character.
What have you told your kids about bullying? What has your child told you about bullying?
Don’t miss these other popular posts about bullying:
What Should You Do When Your Child Is Bullied
Do You Have the Guts To Stand Up to Your Bullies?
I agree with a number of things in this post – especially #2 and #3. Kids need to be taught that they can either contribute to bullying by being a bystander, or by doing nothing, OR they can walk away and/or stand up to someone who is bullying. I also agree with #10 – that a child who is bullying, is missing some critical life skills. Often they are lacking in friendships, attention, or power – all important needs. They just don’t know how to get those needs met in an appropriate way. #6 and #9 make me sad though. As I said earlier, kids who bully are not getting their needs met and have often been bullied themselves (often at home) or neglected. They deserve our kindness and understanding and need to be taught how to get what they need in a different way. Now that doesn’t mean I would advise my child to be friends with someone who is bullying, but I don’t think I would want to demonize them either – and advise my child to not be friends with them, or to avoid them at all costs. Sometimes a little kindness goes a long way. Tough topic. Your post made me think quite a bit. Thank you.
Sue – I appreciate your feedback – and I agree, it’s a tough topic. I don’t want my kids feeling like they are “less than” for not being friends with a certain group of friends, especially if those kids are bullies – I think that’s where I was going with that thought… it’s tough.
I agree with Sue.
Yes we tell our kids to avoid bullies. It is in our protective nature. But what happened to punishing the deed and NOT the doer. Kids do not innately wish to harm. There are reasons why kids pick on others: Maybe to look cool to others, maybe to project their own shortcomings onto others. No matter the justification in their own mind, it is absolutely due to a lack of skills which can ultimately be learned. Re #4: Words DO hurt and that should not be ignored. Emotional hurts can linger a heck of a lot longer than physical hurts. They can fester and be amplified by internal dialogue when issues are not addressed. Re #5: Those who bully DO need friends. This is not to say that you need to adopt their undesirable behaviours, but rather be the voice of reason and encouragement. It may be that the trigger for bullying is a basic need for attention or acceptance, possibly loneliness or residual anger from another source, or maybe even the need for leadership, power or autonomy to bring about a sense of control if his or her personal life is in turmoil. Isolation will only exacerbate negativity in those who bully. Re #6: This one upsets me. Why would you give up on a child who obviously needs to be given the correct tools to be successful in society? Do we not want our kids to learn from their mistakes? Simply giving up on a child for making a poor choices is unacceptable. How will that improve their sense of self-worth? Forgetting them and leaving them out in the cold will only further harm their socialization. Although I agree with #10, we should remember that a person’s character is extremely complex. Bullying behaviours are likely exhibited in specific situations or environments that are particularly challenging, and do not define the person as a whole. If anything it should raise a flag to take action by finding resources and support for someone who needs guidance.
Everyone has the right to distance themselves from bullies, and in extreme and persistent cases this is probably the best thing to do. However, ignoring it does not improve matters. The reasons behind bullying (which are typically manifestations of maladjustment or weak executive functioning or coping skills) are issues that need addressing; problems that need solving. When the whole of society slams the door in a bully’s face, it makes him/her the victim. How is that right? This person has every right to believe that they are worthy of friendship. Someone needs to take that leap of faith and invest in that child; help build his/her character; teach values and skills; but for heavens sake please do not throw them out with the trash!
You seem to be focused on the victims of bullying, but you are ignoring the positive effects of BEING a bully. Recent studies show that being a bully actually decreased your risk of health problems later in life.
http://www.theverge.com/2014/5/12/5710720/being-a-bully-may-be-good-for-your-health
Also you are ignoring the typical characteristics of a bully. Normally they are out going, charismatic, demonstrate leadership capabilities, creative problem solvers, and able to talk their way out of difficult situations. Most of these are are chacteristics that will be key to future employment. If you need proof look no further than the popular ideology that “my boss is an ***.” This prevailing mentality of management being jerks means that there is substance to the idea that bullies are succeeding in life. This success means that bullies will usually experience less stress which also has long term health benefits.
While the negative effects on the bullied are substantial the positive benefits of being a bully are also quite substantial and shouldn’t be ignored either.
I’m sorry but #4 just isn’t true. I was bullied for the whole of secondary school, both physically (fractured skull, broken wrist, multiple stitches) and verbally and I would’ve taken the beatings any day as over twenty years later I’m still haunted by the words and suffer with confidence.
I have problems with #5 & #6. Research indicates most kids who bully are also the recipients of bullying and that children who have been bullied are more likely to bully. Labeling a kid a bully is extremely destructive. Assuming change is not possible is defeatist. If your child is bullied, they are more likely to engage in bullying. Is that how you would want your child to be labeled?
Bullies have issues, my son has been bullied and only grade 1, but he is now retaliating which we have to curb as kids who are bullied can become bully’s 🙁 I also believe Bully’s and victims attract each other. You can not have one without the other. It is very important to teach kids to be confident, stand up for themselves and have boundaries as bullies often target those who are weak or lack confidence or can not stand up, which is unfortunate but true. Bullies also though on the other hand can and do get help to become nicer, kinder and I believe they often need to work on their issues so alienating them I don’t feel is positive. Having compassion for both parties is important. I do believe walking away and saying no etc but bullies we could change to ‘issues’? We are working on our son’s confidence, to have compassion for others which he does have, but to stand up for himself and to walk away and to respect and love himself. Bullies – those with issues will soon find they need to face themselves. Blessings to all.