Welcome to Club Motherhood. You have endured
nine ten months of wonderful pregnancy bliss. You have glowed, expanded and grown a perfect little human being. Said human was recently expelled from your body – so it’s now “go time!” This is it! Motherhood! You are in the thick of it – and there is no turning back!
Your girlfriends helped you through your pregnancy, your doctor watched you ever so closely – especially if you were of “Advanced Maternal Age” (aka older than 35 years old). And then… the end result is a beautiful little darling cherub for you to love and cherish for the rest of your days – but wait…! Your body is now realizing that you are no longer pregnant, you are adjusting to life as a mom and there are A LOT of things happening that no one warned you about. Or maybe they did, but you were so busy glowing and being pregnant that you didn’t quite heed their warnings, because… pregnancy brain.
Please know that whatever you are going through is normal. We, your fellow moms, have been in your stinky stretched out shoes. We have thought the same snarky and sarcastic thoughts! I have collected 22 painfully honest thoughts that all moms have – just to prove that you are not alone!
- How long is it socially acceptable for my to wear these mesh panties?
- We should have the visitors come at night if they really want to see the baby awake!
- Who knew that inflatable donuts could be so comfortable?
- Yes I care that you have “allergies,” please don’t come by to visit until your runny nose has cleared.
- Will my life go in three hours cycles from one feeding until the next until he goes off to college?
- My toddler looks awkwardly large next to the infant.
- Will I EVER stop bleeding/ loosing hair/ craving water?
- Explain this, I just gave birth to a human, placenta and I lost blood and fluid – yet the scale hasn’t moved at all!
- Why does everyone feel the need to share the story of how they walked out of the hospital wearing regular non-maternity street clothes? That factoid will NOT bring you closer to me – on the contrary it gives me a reason to hate you.
- BLEEDING NIPPLES – No one told me about this!
- Belly rhymes with jelly – and from looking at my stomach I totally see the connection!
- I honestly don’t care when your 26 year child first rolled over – we are talking about my little miracle bundle now.
- Did the doctor say “no sex for six weeks or six years?” – I am going to tell my husband it was the latter.
- I am starting my motherhood career high on pain meds, I wonder if they will renew this prescription when the terrible twos hit?!
- I will never drive faster than 3 miles per hour when the baby is in the car.
- Do these people realize that our baby is the most perfect child EVER born?
- Every visitor has been flashed my dark over-sized nipples – a concept I never in a million years thought would happen.
- Wait a minute – all the newborn clothes I gave as gifts over the years were only used ONCE or TWICE before the baby outgrew it?!
- No you cannot hold my baby! He’s mine – ALL MINE!
- What do you mean “what’s for dinner?” – I just spent all day nursing the baby, I have to feed the REST of the kids too?
- What is that smell and where is it coming from? Oh it’s me – “eu de Formented Breastmilk and Baby Poop” – get used to it!
- Do I LOOK like I am getting any sleep/ showers/ uninterrupted meals?
Please share in the “comments” what surprised you the most about motherhood!
If you nodded to a few points on this list, you will also like my 30 Truths about Motherhood, Parenting is Hard… And Then These Things Happen! – and maybe even Attachment Parenting is Lazy Parenting!
The mesh panties?! Oh….you brought it all back to me!
Patty H says
My favorite was having people come in the middle of the night if they want to see the baby awake. I remember those days. 🙂
There were so many times that I wish they had a manual for when we had our son!! ha/ha Just make the time count and don’t worry about what people will think….most of the ones that would judge don’t have kids anyway, so they don’t count! 🙂
Stacy Melendez says
haha, I remember so many of those
Shahana Shafiuddin says
This is life
Cute list!! #13. Seriously.
C. Lee Reed says
Wish I had a dollar for every time I heard “its just allergies”. I dont care, stay away!
Kim @ This Ole Mom says
I never had bleeding nipples but I lost my boobs after my last baby !!
Mama in the Now says
Oh Kim – that’s why we keep having more kids… I am praying the boobs will eventually just stay!
Anne Campbell says
I couldn’t agree more! What a precious time, though. 🙂
L. E. Mastilock says
My body did eventually go back to it’s old weight (years later), however nothing was in the same place, so I still had to get rid of my favorite jeans I hoped to wear again
Katie @ Pick Any Two says
LOVE THESE! So funny and honest!
I did get a laugh out of some of these. Thank you for sharing
Katie M says
These are too funny! Loved this list!
Laura F. says
So funny! The 3-hour-cycle one is the truth!
Definitely the mesh panties! Hahah very funny.